


How Can You Swallow So Much Sleep?

by AmalgamWriter



Series: Modella Institute Series [1]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Anorexia, Crazy!AU, Cutting, Fluffy bits here and there, M/M, Major Character Attempted Suicide, Mental Hospital, Trigger Warnings Galore
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-10
Updated: 2012-12-10
Packaged: 2017-11-20 19:51:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,926
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/589039
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AmalgamWriter/pseuds/AmalgamWriter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Louis broken. Really they all are. But maybe, just maybe, they can fix each other.<br/>It's not perfect, and it's not always pretty, but it works for them.<br/>In the end, they realize just how much they need each other.</p>
            </blockquote>





	How Can You Swallow So Much Sleep?

**Author's Note:**

> This is a very dark story that I wrote while in a bad place.  
> There's a lot of trigger warnings and dark themes.  
> I hope y'all enjoy.

I don't belong here, Louis thought to himself over and over again. He wasn't crazy after all. So what if he dragged a razor blade across his flesh, feeling the sweet sting as it sliced through the skin. So what if he relished in the physical pain, letting it block out the rest of the world, if only for a frozen frame in time. 

“Don't worry Mr. and Mrs. Tomlinson. We'll take good care of Louis,” Dr. Greene reassured his parents. If only Louis hadn't lost control, hadn't cut too deep. No one would've been any the wiser. Louis fucked up though, like everything else in his life. He'd heard his parents fighting once again, screaming words he was never meant to hear. He pressed down a little too hard and found himself bleeding more than he could control. 

Louis had crumpled to the floor, his mother hearing him bringing down the shower curtain with him as he fell. She got him to the hospital where they figured out this wasn't Louis first encounter with the blade. And now he was at some posh little facility for fucked up youth. 

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

“This'll be your room,” the nurse told Louis as she pushed open the plain door adorned with a simple white board that read 'Room 396 – Harry Styles'.

“Your roommate is in his therapy session right now. You have about 45 minutes to unpack,” the nurse told Louis, leaving him standing alone in the middle of the sparsely decorated room. There were 2 dressers, 2 desks (one bare, one covered with papers and a laptop), and 2 full sized beds. One bed had deep purple sheets with dark black pillow cases and comforter. The other had simple white everything. 

One side of the room had posters of bands and people like Ed Sheeran and Daniel Radcliffe. There weren't any women or personal photos though. Just a bunch of hot guy eye candy. 

Louis unpacked his things before laying down on his new bed and drifting off. He woke up rather abruptly when 2 hot guys came bounding into the room. They stopped short when they saw Louis laying there. 

“Oh sorry, I didn't think you'd be asleep,” the curly haired youth apologized, a soft blush coloring his cheeks. A look that suited him well.

“It's okay,” Louis tells him, trying to find a smile for the beautiful boy but failing. He just doesn't have it in him to smile anymore. 

“I'm Harry. I'll be your roommate. This here is Niall. We're lifers, so to speak,” Harry said as he walked over to his bed with Niall, sitting down. 

“Louis,” he responds simply, dispassionately. “What do you mean lifers?”

Niall sighs softly, resting his head in Harry's lap. He closes his eyes before saying, “He means we've been here for 14 months with no real hope of getting out before we turn 21. He doesn't literally mean life.” 

“Oh,” Louis mutters understandingly. He was only supposed to be in here for 90 days be he had a feeling he would end up a lifer as well. 

“So what got you in here?” Harry asked, absentmindedly playing with Niall's hair. It was obvious to Louis this was something they did a lot. He wondered if they were a couple. 

“Cut myself too deep. They insist it was a suicide attempt,” Louis muttered, just loud enough for them to hear. His long sleeves hid the bandages well. “What about you two?” 

“Well Harry here is a recovering anorexic who also suffers from bouts of depression, sexual deviancy, and horrible insomnia,” Niall says, speaking for the curly haired boy as though this was a regular routine. 

“And Niall is a recovering bi-polar alcoholic with extreme mood swings and an insatiable appetite,” Harry responded, smiling down fondly at the blonde, his fingers still combing through the others hair. 

“So are you two dating then?” Louis asked them as 2 more boys walked into the room. Before either Harry or Niall could answer, one of the new boys leaned down and kissed Niall softly. 

“Sorry I'm late Haz. Dr. Cross wouldn't let us go on time,” he told Harry before sitting next to him on the bed. Niall automatically shifted so his head was in the others lap. The other boy's fingers went straight to Niall's hair. You could see them both visabaly relax into the other. 

“Hey, mind if I sit here? I'm Zayn by the way,” Zayn asked, pointing at the end of Louis' new bed. 

“Louis, and that's fine,” Louis told him, moving his legs to give Zayn more room. 

“I'm Liam,” the one running his fingers through Niall's hair told him. 

“As to your question,” Harry began. “Nialler and I are best friends, nothing more. The 4 of us are all lifers. Ni and I have been here the longest though. We arrived within days of each other. We attached quickly. Liam and Niall started dating about 7 months ago now.” 

They sat around talking for a while, Liam and Zayn both explained why they were in the institute. 

“I'm just plain fucked,” Liam said. “I'm a manic depressive with mild OCD, avoidant personality disorder, social anxiety, and a very mild case of trichotillomania. Trich for short.”

Zayn sighed, “I'm a recovering addict. Pills. I'm also severely depressed and self-harm on a regular basis. My 1 year anniversary with this fuckin' place is in a couple of weeks. 

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

“You have to eat Hazza,” Liam told Harry the next day at lunch. They were all sitting together in a secluded corner of the cafeteria. 

Niall stopped shoveling food in his mouth for a moment, saying, “They're gonna keep ya from bein' able ta wank. Do'ya want that again?” 

Louis sputtered into his coke. “Bloody hell Niall. You're jokin' right?”

Zayn laughed at the look on Louis' face, shaking his head. “After trying to get him to eat for almost 11 months without much success, they decided to use sex as a bargaining chip. He gained 2lbs in the first week.”

“Then Nick got released,” Liam said softly, wrapping his arm around Harry protectively. “He's refused to eat more than a few bites here and there since.”

“How long ago was that?” Louis asked carefully. He hated how skinny the young lad was. Not even 24 hours had passed but he was already beginning to care deeply for all of them. Louis hated it. Closeness meant vulnerability and vulnerability means the chance to be hurt. Louis was sick of being hurt. 

“17 days, 3 hours, and 27 minutes,” Harry replied, glancing at the clock on the wall. His voice was monotone, no emotion bleeding through whatsoever. It scared Louis to hear it. 

Silence filled the air, the tension thick. Liam started to fidget, arranging the food on his plate by size. Niall started to cry, not making a sound as he did so. Zayn started picking at his wrist, using his long nails to draw blood. And Harry just stared at the clock, watching the time tick by. 

Louis saw them all starting to break and any hope he had of getting 'better' shattered into a thousand little pieces. If they couldn't be fixed, what fucking chance did he ever have?

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Louis had been here a month and life had finally started to feel worth living. At least a little bit. It was far from a normal existence but for Louis, it was wonderful. 

Sure, he was Harry naked way too much, had Liam playing with his hair almost constantly, had to dodge Niall's flying missiles made of whatever was handy when he freaked out, and helped Zayn sneak out to smoke without being caught most day. It was far from perfect, but it was wonderful. 

Louis found himself alone in Harry and his room once again. He'd been having these weird urges lately. Wanting nothing more than to reach out and touch Harry, to find out what his mouth tasted like while her runs his fingers through the curly mop of hair. Louis let the music bleed into him, filling his soul. 

The lyrics flowed out of his mouth without thought. “That's just me, thinking of you.” As the song came to an end, he slowly let his eyes drift open again. Standing huddled in the doorway was Harry, Liam, Niall, and Zayn. Louis' face flushed a horrible shade of red. 

“How long?” Louis asked as he sat up.

“Bout 90% of the song mate,” Harry told him, sitting down next to Louis, close enough for Lou to feel the heat coming off of the younger lad. “Why didn't you tell me you could sing so bloody well?” Harry sounded hurt, as though it was some big deal. 

“I didn't think you'd care,” Louis told them honestly. And really, what did it matter that he could sing? It's not like it was a useful talent around here. 

Without saying another word, Harry grabbed Louis' wrist and pulled him out of the room towards the stairs. 

“Where are we going Haz?” Louis asked as he was pulled along. 

“3rd floor. Ever been?” Harry replied as they started up the stairs. 

“No. What's on the 3rd floor?” Louis asked, confusion lacing his voice. 

“Music room,” Niall said as he rushed past everyone up the stairs. His excitement was amazing. In the last month, Louis didn't think he'd ever seen Niall this excited about anything. Not even food. 

It didn't really surprise him that Modella had a music room. It had a full sized gym, workout room, pool, and 6 game lounges. Louis was still shocked upon entering the room. It was every musician's wet dream. There was every instrument conceivable, including a harp and grand piano. Not a baby grand, a full grand piano. 

Niall had went straight for an old looking guitar that was honestly probably older than both of them combined. His fingers found there place as if that's where they were born to be and music filled the room. Soon Liam was playing along on the piano while Harry and Zayn hummed along. Louis didn't recognize the tune but it was beautiful just the same. 

“What song was that?” Louis asked quietly, trying not to break the mood that had filled the air. 

“It's called Moments. We wrote it,” Liam told him. “There are lyrics that go with it too.” 

They played the song again, this time with them singing instead of just humming along. Louis was left speechless. The words really hit a cord with him. 

They spent the next 3 hours before lights out just singing and playing whatever came to mind. It was better than any therapy they had ever received. 

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Later that night, Louis laid in bed starring at the ceiling. His mind was racing a mile a minute and he couldn't slow it down. The music just wouldn't leave his mind. 

“So I thought we'd change up our usual conversation. We've covered most of the basics,” Harry said in the dark. Louis didn't respond, completely confused. 

“I was so shocked the other night when you told me you were gay,” Harry started. “Too shocked to ask you something that's been on my mind since I first met you. Lou, d'you like me? Awake you I mean, not asleep you.” 

Louis didn't know what to say. Harry had obviously been having conversations with him while he was sleeping. 

“Yeah...Awake me does like you,” Louis whispered into the still of the night. 

“You're not asleep, are you?” Harry asked after a moment, panic filling his voice. 

“Not tonight, no. How long have you and my sleeping form been having these convos then?” Louis asked, his voice neutral. He didn't know how to feel. Louis knew he had a horrible case of somnilquy but he had no idea his sleeping mind was THAT talkative. 

“About 3 weeks. My insomnia and your sleeptalking go so well together. You like to tell stories in your sleep. I liked to listen,” Harry told him, crying. “D'you hate me now?”

Louis crawled out of his bed and into Harry's. He wrapped the younger lad in his arms and held him close as he whispered in his ear, “Please don't cry. I hate to see your tears.”

Harry just whimpered as he let Louis pull him closer. Louis was shocked by just how thin Harry really was. He could feel every rib pressing into him. 

“Harry...I think...I love you...and that scares me,” Louis whispered into Harry's hair. He needed to tell him, needed him to understand. 

“I think I love you too,” Harry whispered back. They laid in Harry's bed, pressed together as they drifted off to sleep. The world wasn't perfect, but it was perfect for them. 

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Today was Zayn's 1 year anniversary. He couldn't believe how fast the year had passed. Zayn knew in his heart he would never get out of here and now Harry and Louis were together as well as Liam and Niall. He was alone. There was a guy, Josh, that he really liked but Josh wasn't a lifer. Josh was only going to be there another few days. 

Zayn just couldn't see what in life was worth living anymore. He just wanted all the fucking pain to stop. “Fuck it,” he muttered as he wrote out his final words, letting all his pain go. 

 

Dear brothers,

Haz- You were the first person I met in this hell. You and Niall got me through the withdrawals, and my lowest points. I will always love you. Please don't blame yourself. You just couldn't make it all better this time. Please eat for me.

Ni- I know this is going to kill you but please, please don't follow in my footsteps. You're not crazy. You're gonna get better, I promise. Please. I love you Ni. Don't leave Liam behind, not for me. 

Lili- This isn't your fault. I know you. I know you're blaming yourself. Just....don't...I did this for me. I'm sick of being alone. All I wanted was what you and Ni or Haz and Lou have. I fell really hard for Josh but he's not broken. He's not like us. He'll be gone in 3 short days as it is. I will always love you Li. I wish we would've worked out but you and Ni belong together. Sorry. 

Lou- I am so glad to have known you. Please take care of Hazza for me? He's gonna need all the strength you can give him. Don't let him starve himself. Thank you for everything. I love you.

Mum & Dad- Fuck you! I hate you so much. It's your fault I'm in here. I was never good enough for you. I tried so fucking hard for you.

Please don't forget me. I love you.

Zayn

 

Zayn dragged the jagged edge of the broken mirror across his flesh. He relished in the feeling of his life slowly bleeding out of his veins. He closed his eyes on the world one final time, whispering a goodbye. 

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

“Wake up!” Liam shouted as he rushed into the room Harry and Louis shared. Harry and Lou were cuddled together in one bed, the other laying untouched. 

“What's going on?” Louis asked, his voice still thick from sleep.

“It's Zayn. He tried to kill himself,” Liam rushed out. 

Louis and Harry jumped out of bed, panic filling both of them. Neither cared that they were standing naked in front of their best friend. 

“Tired? He didn't succeed did he?” Harry asked, tears flowing steadily down his face. Harry and Zayn had always been close, closer than anyone really knew. 

“No he didn't,” Liam told them. “But...Ni...Ni found him. He's in the medical ward too. The doctor says he's in shock. He...I...I should have been the one to find him not Ni...”

Liam couldn't hold it in anymore. Sobs wrecked his body as he collapsed into Harry. His boyfriend and best friend were both in medical and he couldn't see either of them. He couldn't fix them. He felt so hopeless in that moment.

They got dressed quickly and went upstairs to the music room. It was their safe haven. No one ever bothered them up there. They needed something to distract themselves until they could see their friends again.

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

The boys were reunited after a long week apart. The first thing they did was go back to the music room. Together they sat down and wrote a new song. 

It was all about their insecurities, all the little things they hated about themselves, that the others love. It was all about the love they shared for each other. 

They realized something in that room as they tried to write the song. There weren't 2 couples and a single guy. They all shared a unique love, a unique bond. They all belonged together. It was Harry's fingers that felt best in Niall's hair. It was Liam's smile that made Zayn's heart skip a beat. It was Louis kiss that Niall craved. It was whispered words and shared secrets. It was lingering looks and little touches. It took Zayn almost leaving for good for everyone to realize just how much they loved and needed each other. They couldn't fix themselves but maybe, just maybe they could fix each other.

_I won't let these little things_

_Slip out of my mouth_

_But if I do, it's you_

_Oh it's you, they add up to_

_I'm in love with you_

_And all these little things_


End file.
